I remember 10+ years ago using okcupid. It was alright.

Best dating site ever? Myspace.

See the thing about dating sites is the women are guarded, and protective of what they say and do because they’re afraid of any little thing they say being judged as then being slutty.

But on myspace, I would introduce myself by sending a new message, to someone I never talked to before and the message would say “Hi, I’m Rob. Can I put it in your butt?”

And then they’d see my pics, and realize my entire existance is a joke. And they’d reply “Well obviously! When are we getting drinks?”. Her joking obviously, because who would agree to something like that so fast?

And then we WOULD get drinks. And I WOULD put it in her butt…eventually.

But on Tinder, it requires the women to swipe right to create a match. And in their mind, it means they’re actively agreeing to sex in that moment. And that little butterfly effect moment breaks the chain.

They never have that joking intro. They never meet for drinks. They never start dating. They never get vunerable about their biggest fears. They never come home to their house full of bees as clowns wrap their arms around them and drag them into the bees nests. They never get stripped down and have honey lathered all over their naked body. They never have you come in with a chainsaw, decapitate a few dozen clowns, and run with her out of a bee filled house just moments before it explodes, and ride away on a motorcycle as you flee the chasing yakuza, despite being in Ohio. She never feels the adrenaline rush of speeding up a ramp on the motorcycle, and hopping over the tracks of a speeding train, thus stopping the yakuza. Then later at your place, you’re like “oh, sorry, the water is broken. Some house exploded and the whole citys water is shut off now. Which means I can’t serve you a cold glass of water. Just some wine. Like…a LOT of wine. You wanna drink 46 bottles of wine? Also, you can’t take a shower to wash off that honey. I’ll have to lick it off. But you better hurry. There’s fire ants outside, and they sting.”

And after 2 hours of drinking, and licking, she’s now in the mood, and now you’re putting it in her butt, and she’s loving it. Her reservations she previously had about anal were totally false.

And thats what she’s worried about happening if she swipes right. So she swipes left instead. So now YOU are spending Saturday night masturbating with a bottle of honey…